Sunday, August 14, 2005
!*%#>"#*^! DRIVERS!! OR: "ON THE ROAD PART DEUX, What Kerouac Failed to Unfold"
I've been driving for lotza years and now I finally have decided to share my angst, anguish and anger regarding an issue that is and has been near and dear to, I'm convinced, nearly hundreds of millions of us, dead and alive.
You guessed it: Asshole Drivers
Can you relate??
On a recent trip to NYC from Easton Pa, about 75-80 miles, I asked my wife Di to log, as we were en route, the descriptions of driver screwups . I was a little skeptical that we'd encounter enough infractions to allow the creation of a list long enough to actually write a blog.
HA! I had more trust in humankind than was warranted....that's HAD, as in past tense, now; and the list grew to 8 infractors before we were 6.3 miles outta town.
Here are a few you're bound to run into:
#1 - vehicle behind you approaches more speedily than you,
you pull into an adjacent lane to allow them to go on their/(its?) merry way
Asshole Driver #1 barrels up to the side of your car (or just past your back bumper),
Proceeds to reduce his speed until you're both sharing the same MPH.
Now you're unable to get into the passing lane.
And of course there is a car ahead in your lane that you're about to rear end who is doing 15 miles an hour below the speed limit.
#2 - These particular "15 mph-below-the-speed-limit-Asshole-Drivers" are #2 on our list.
#3 - ZDriver races up on you, hell's bells,
you get out of their path, to an adjacent lane
they pass you,
you return to the passing lane behind them,
they drop down to a speed that was slower than you were driving before they raced up,
you try to pass them by passing on the right,
but dont you know? Asshole Driver #2 is awaiting you in the other lane going 15 MPH below the speed limit.
#4 Speed limit - 65 mph
Flow of traffic - 75 mph
Asshole Driver in passing lane - 55 mph
Asshole Driver #2 in other lane - 40 mph
NEW flow of traffic - 55 mph
Blood pressure - ugly
#5 - Phone Darlings - need I describe these calamitous commuters - these blithering, blah blah, blowhards?? You can spot these fools immediately. They're the ones who dont understand that double white lines dont mean dial with abandon as they weave and bob like Mike Tyson.
#6 you're doing 75 in the passing lane,
car in front of you is doing 65,
you head into adjacent lane to pass,
you start to pass,
car you're passing (who was just doing 65mph 10 seconds before) is now doing 80,
of course asshole driver #2 is waiting for you, doing 40mph ahead in your lane,
you slam on brakes,
you go back in the passing lane to avoid #2,
you're now stuck behind Asshole Driver #6 who's decided to punish your attempt to
quit the "team" per se and has dropped now to 55mph.
#7 car has blinker on to exit,
turns on to ramp in order to exit,
decides, no, this cant be right;
well no, maybe it is right;
no, no, it cant be right,
and back in your lane he comes.
of course that was Asshole Driver #2.
HEEEEE'S BAAAAACK
#8 - you're in right lane doing 85
car in front of you also doing 85 has left blinker on;
300 miles later
you're in right lane doing 85
same car in front of you still has left blinker on.
So friends, remember as you drive about, courtesy on the highway is crucial. 'Cause without it, it's just free range anarchy.
Epilogue:
Had only Kerouac chosen to be honest in the description of his travel travails, I believe that a whole generation of beatniks would have remained safe and intellectually engaged in NYC. Instead, he allowed the creation of congestion on the future freeways of California while a generation of surfers, surf music, and San Francisco Giants drained the essence of Hip, Jazz, and baseball right outta NYC and spewed it down all those backwoods roads of all 48 contiguous states to eventually explode into the suburban sprawl we know now as Amerigalopolis.
Good fucking work Jack.
You guessed it: Asshole Drivers
Can you relate??
On a recent trip to NYC from Easton Pa, about 75-80 miles, I asked my wife Di to log, as we were en route, the descriptions of driver screwups . I was a little skeptical that we'd encounter enough infractions to allow the creation of a list long enough to actually write a blog.
HA! I had more trust in humankind than was warranted....that's HAD, as in past tense, now; and the list grew to 8 infractors before we were 6.3 miles outta town.
Here are a few you're bound to run into:
#1 - vehicle behind you approaches more speedily than you,
you pull into an adjacent lane to allow them to go on their/(its?) merry way
Asshole Driver #1 barrels up to the side of your car (or just past your back bumper),
Proceeds to reduce his speed until you're both sharing the same MPH.
Now you're unable to get into the passing lane.
And of course there is a car ahead in your lane that you're about to rear end who is doing 15 miles an hour below the speed limit.
#2 - These particular "15 mph-below-the-speed-limit-Asshole-Drivers" are #2 on our list.
#3 - ZDriver races up on you, hell's bells,
you get out of their path, to an adjacent lane
they pass you,
you return to the passing lane behind them,
they drop down to a speed that was slower than you were driving before they raced up,
you try to pass them by passing on the right,
but dont you know? Asshole Driver #2 is awaiting you in the other lane going 15 MPH below the speed limit.
#4 Speed limit - 65 mph
Flow of traffic - 75 mph
Asshole Driver in passing lane - 55 mph
Asshole Driver #2 in other lane - 40 mph
NEW flow of traffic - 55 mph
Blood pressure - ugly
#5 - Phone Darlings - need I describe these calamitous commuters - these blithering, blah blah, blowhards?? You can spot these fools immediately. They're the ones who dont understand that double white lines dont mean dial with abandon as they weave and bob like Mike Tyson.
#6 you're doing 75 in the passing lane,
car in front of you is doing 65,
you head into adjacent lane to pass,
you start to pass,
car you're passing (who was just doing 65mph 10 seconds before) is now doing 80,
of course asshole driver #2 is waiting for you, doing 40mph ahead in your lane,
you slam on brakes,
you go back in the passing lane to avoid #2,
you're now stuck behind Asshole Driver #6 who's decided to punish your attempt to
quit the "team" per se and has dropped now to 55mph.
#7 car has blinker on to exit,
turns on to ramp in order to exit,
decides, no, this cant be right;
well no, maybe it is right;
no, no, it cant be right,
and back in your lane he comes.
of course that was Asshole Driver #2.
HEEEEE'S BAAAAACK
#8 - you're in right lane doing 85
car in front of you also doing 85 has left blinker on;
300 miles later
you're in right lane doing 85
same car in front of you still has left blinker on.
So friends, remember as you drive about, courtesy on the highway is crucial. 'Cause without it, it's just free range anarchy.
Epilogue:
Had only Kerouac chosen to be honest in the description of his travel travails, I believe that a whole generation of beatniks would have remained safe and intellectually engaged in NYC. Instead, he allowed the creation of congestion on the future freeways of California while a generation of surfers, surf music, and San Francisco Giants drained the essence of Hip, Jazz, and baseball right outta NYC and spewed it down all those backwoods roads of all 48 contiguous states to eventually explode into the suburban sprawl we know now as Amerigalopolis.
Good fucking work Jack.
Comments:
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God - its amazing the parallel universe we are existing in! I saw Cats! For Free Too - I was never charged for it on my Visa Card.
I'll cry real tears if that happened to you too, you Joizey Goil you!
thank you BTW and I really enjoyed your blog too. Got me Goin!!
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I'll cry real tears if that happened to you too, you Joizey Goil you!
thank you BTW and I really enjoyed your blog too. Got me Goin!!
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