Saturday, February 12, 2005
SEX BEFORE SEX
The "Drinking Before Drinking" blog (see below) almost automatically inspires another comparable concept and of course, you, my perspicacious reader, have already guessed the obvious progression. Right?? Thats right, Sex Before Sex. Lets face it, if you're already half lit in preparation for going out, doesnt it make sense to put a little time into preparing yourself to be all that you can be in a sexual sense too? I know there's a lot of lip service concerning the fact that some people (gender-wise) "are only going out to have a good time with friends" etc. blah blah blah. Come on people, 'fess up - who doesnt go out without at least the small prospect of getting laid stuck in some horny corner of their party-ass mind?? Well, Thank you. Honesty's so freeing, aint it? So now that we've established that, let's move on.
Physiologically, it's interesting how the sexual makeup of men and women is so different. Its a sick joke. Guys have to struggle with all their might to Hold on, to Fight to control, to Beg the sex gods above, not to Blow their wad before some semblance of time has elapsed(20 minutes to 2-3 hours) which can be construed as adequate in terms of being a self respecting lover. 30 seconds to 5 minutes and women will seriously gaze at you with their panties still half on with that look: I cant believe you just wasted my freakin time for THAT. I actually knew a girl who said that to a guy who had begged her to go out for months and then was history in moments.
OWWW! Thanks to the gods of Priapism for helping me avoid that messy problem.
Women, conversely have an equally daunting but opposite responsibility hammering at their minds. They're expected to be able to expose their vulnerability while having sex and to be relaxed and comfortable enough to trust whomever they're with to allow the orgasmic function to just take over and happily happen. And all within 30 seconds to 5 minutes on average.
See what a sick joke this all is: men may NOT cum and wimmen may not NOT cum!
Of course in the long run, for either gender, trust really is the key to sexcess.
But OH SHIT, ITS FRIDAY NIGHT and there just so happens to be NO such trustable animal in sight or on tap tonite. So what do you do if you do meet the person of your dreams?? Or what do you do when your moral turpitude beats the crap out of your moral riteousness after 5 jello shots, a vodka passion punch, 3 red wines, 2 gin gimlets, a khalua conglomerate, another red wine, and 3 beers??? The answer = be prepared.
For men, the answer is simple: just give yourself a hand. The 2nd time always lasts longer than the first time. The sacrifice may be only noticeable to you in the degree of loss of passion you may bring to the love-making but the confidence you bring to the table (or the bathtub, or your couch, or your neighbor's tool shed, or if you're gonna be freakin boring as shit, your bed - but you get BIG points tho, IF you end up in your ex-girlfriend's bed from 3 years ago in her apartment opened with the key you just happened to find....)
A confidant man in bed is a woman's best friend.
For women, the answer, though not as simple: give yourselves a warm hand. But again, ya'll have a more complex procedure to follow. In order to prepare yourselves for the prospect of sex thats gonna work, and that's gonna work for YOU, and in 30 seconds or less (again in the event you meet Brad Pitt, or whoever your throbber is),you have to set yourselves up like a time bomb, set to explode. Unlike the guys, you cannot allow yourselves to melt into oblivion - you have to be like the guy on a date - get yourself OH SO close to the edge, right to the tip of the precipice, and just as you are about to catapult into nirvana, hit the fuckin switch! Then do it again, not just once, but 3 or 4 times, or maybe 5,7,10 times if you like, just to tease the hell outta yourself, and then you'll be ready to PARTY....and if any man should be fortunate enough to get near that switch later in the evening, bamalama bingo!! Talk about priming the pump. I dare say another advantage is that as you go to different clubs, the guys'll be lookin way cuter to you than usual and way SOONER too.
My advice: couple this with "Drinking before Drinking" and watch as your pheremones tackle the guys on the dance floor for you.
Physiologically, it's interesting how the sexual makeup of men and women is so different. Its a sick joke. Guys have to struggle with all their might to Hold on, to Fight to control, to Beg the sex gods above, not to Blow their wad before some semblance of time has elapsed(20 minutes to 2-3 hours) which can be construed as adequate in terms of being a self respecting lover. 30 seconds to 5 minutes and women will seriously gaze at you with their panties still half on with that look: I cant believe you just wasted my freakin time for THAT. I actually knew a girl who said that to a guy who had begged her to go out for months and then was history in moments.
OWWW! Thanks to the gods of Priapism for helping me avoid that messy problem.
Women, conversely have an equally daunting but opposite responsibility hammering at their minds. They're expected to be able to expose their vulnerability while having sex and to be relaxed and comfortable enough to trust whomever they're with to allow the orgasmic function to just take over and happily happen. And all within 30 seconds to 5 minutes on average.
See what a sick joke this all is: men may NOT cum and wimmen may not NOT cum!
Of course in the long run, for either gender, trust really is the key to sexcess.
But OH SHIT, ITS FRIDAY NIGHT and there just so happens to be NO such trustable animal in sight or on tap tonite. So what do you do if you do meet the person of your dreams?? Or what do you do when your moral turpitude beats the crap out of your moral riteousness after 5 jello shots, a vodka passion punch, 3 red wines, 2 gin gimlets, a khalua conglomerate, another red wine, and 3 beers??? The answer = be prepared.
For men, the answer is simple: just give yourself a hand. The 2nd time always lasts longer than the first time. The sacrifice may be only noticeable to you in the degree of loss of passion you may bring to the love-making but the confidence you bring to the table (or the bathtub, or your couch, or your neighbor's tool shed, or if you're gonna be freakin boring as shit, your bed - but you get BIG points tho, IF you end up in your ex-girlfriend's bed from 3 years ago in her apartment opened with the key you just happened to find....)
A confidant man in bed is a woman's best friend.
For women, the answer, though not as simple: give yourselves a warm hand. But again, ya'll have a more complex procedure to follow. In order to prepare yourselves for the prospect of sex thats gonna work, and that's gonna work for YOU, and in 30 seconds or less (again in the event you meet Brad Pitt, or whoever your throbber is),you have to set yourselves up like a time bomb, set to explode. Unlike the guys, you cannot allow yourselves to melt into oblivion - you have to be like the guy on a date - get yourself OH SO close to the edge, right to the tip of the precipice, and just as you are about to catapult into nirvana, hit the fuckin switch! Then do it again, not just once, but 3 or 4 times, or maybe 5,7,10 times if you like, just to tease the hell outta yourself, and then you'll be ready to PARTY....and if any man should be fortunate enough to get near that switch later in the evening, bamalama bingo!! Talk about priming the pump. I dare say another advantage is that as you go to different clubs, the guys'll be lookin way cuter to you than usual and way SOONER too.
My advice: couple this with "Drinking before Drinking" and watch as your pheremones tackle the guys on the dance floor for you.
Comments:
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Well, I'll hand it to you, you write some very weird stuff. I actually have a routine all about pre-gaming which I haven't posted yet so I do subscribe to the drinking before drinking. You're a little more harsh than me but still the same general sense of humor which is always rare.
As far as the sex before sex, I keep thinking about the movie Something About Mary when Stiller and Woogie are talking about chocking the chicken before the date.
I'll shoot you a link on my site. Thanks for stopping by.
-The Gman
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As far as the sex before sex, I keep thinking about the movie Something About Mary when Stiller and Woogie are talking about chocking the chicken before the date.
I'll shoot you a link on my site. Thanks for stopping by.
-The Gman
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