Thursday, December 16, 2004
When A Man Wants a Woman - What a Man Really Wants
Believe me, this is a comprehensive subject. I'll try to get as much out as I can.
I would say the primary thought most women have as they start seeing a guy is: what's the chance of a relationship, and what's it require to lure the sucker into it?
I have to say that more than anything, Patience and Tenacity are the cornerstones, followed by attractiveness, INDEPENDENCE, humor, affection, and killer sex. (I also believe that most of these are equally required on the male side of the equation)
The important thing to see first is that the one thing guys have no real desire for IS a relationship. They'd hang out with you forever, drink beer, talk a little, drink coffee, have sex, drink more beer, talk a little more, have more sex and be quite happy about the state of affairs as they are. There's no imperative to require a guy to need a relationship. Children are not a ticking timebomb, so why would they need the correlative relationship/marriage?
So the point is this: how do you get a guy to WANT to be in a relationship with you?
The answer is interesting. What you have to do is to establish a situation where you create more value in yourself than he can exist without. I'll give a couple of outrageous but very true examples I've garnered from friends. Both of these guys were in bands, were above average in looks and had a great deal of women at their disposal so they weren't loser types. Guy 1 began to date this girl and found they had a lot they had in common and enjoyed about each other and blah blah blah, but he wasn't very serious about a relationship. One day after she explained to him that she was still dating, he found out she was in fact, banging 3 or 4 other very eligible successful men at the same time(this was in the 80's pre-AIDS). This was such an incredibly poignant, excruciatingly tantalizing expression of her attractiveness to him that he could not rest until he won her.
She had created a value to him that he couldn't live without. This is an example of a VERY independent woman who had independence and killer sex all neatly wrapped up in one. Independence is a quality men very much admire. Now imagine this woman sitting at home waiting for guy 1 to call back, pining away...sounding needy, and pathetic. She would have had ZERO value. WHY WOULD A GUY CONTINUE CHASING SOMETHING HE KNOWS HE ALREADY HAS??Instead she grabbed the bull by the horns and tho this behavior would probably scare most guys away fast, her independence to my friend was intoxicating.
Guy 2, after being in a "R" for 6 or 7 years was given the ultimatum by his beautiful girlfriend. After he pooh poohed her and blew her off, she returned the favor with 3 or 4 guys in quick succession and let him find out. There was a flurry of trips to Ireland and Blarney Stones and Hidden Rings and Diamonds Gleaming before you could blurt out "seriously bruised ego". Again, not my cup of tea, but goddamned effective!!
Again, no moping little lass wiping her tears. Independence is CRITICAL.
(I just want to say I recommend behavior on a less dramatic scale - most guys wouldn't be able to handle it. But again, whatever works)
Now this guy was not a wuss - he had spent enough time in the relationship to have had enough sense to move on and in fact was being an ass. This leads to the next concept: Men's perception of themselves.
Men have one mandatory obligation in the world of dating - AVOID BEING A WUSS. This more than anything requires a man to hold back on what he wants to express, what he feels, and what he would really like to do. By failing in just one regard, all can be lost! You girls are tough. By appearing too eager, too loving, too couple oriented, a guy will get tossed right off the side of the earth. So men have invented a scheme which causes them to take VERY careful, laborious steps in approaching commitment. Case in point: a young man I know of just asked a lovely young lady to go to his company Christmas party THE DAY BEFORE THE FREAKIN PARTY! It was the fear of appearing too much like a wussy that kept his hand from the phone last week when it would have been appropriate (in women's standards. From a man's point of view: hey at least he called). He probably doesn't even know it was fear - dumb ass kid! LOL But this is where the notion of patience comes in. If you are going to demand that a man be a man, you have to have the patience to allow him to take the time it requires to not appear over eager. YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND, ETC, ETC....
Very important point above! Its a catch 22. If you hurry him, he becomes a wuss, if you don't he becomes a bastard. BALANCE! Just have fun. Let the relationship grow on its own at first. PATIENCE
By the way - if a guy has just come out of a relationship and states that he needs time to sort out his life BELIEVE HIM!!!! Unless you want him to make the same mistakes he made in the last "R" again, but with you, let him go. A sensible guy will try to sort out his bad shit so it wont happen again.
Now, tenacity. If you've found someone who gets you hot and he's not a "serious player" (a complete waste of time) and you feel he has true, redeeming social value, then the value I have seen over and over which finally corners guys is tenacity.
I had been divorced for 17 years and had been with uncountable amounts of women but was finally felled by the tenacity of my wife. And OH MY GOD, did I take my time!! I was not going to be put in a position of appearing needy, etc. In fact, as our relationship continued, I determined to myself at certain times that I had allowed sufficient torment and abuse to have occurred to now not appear like a puss and consequently could allow myself to propose. After more years (1.5) of anguish and suffering marriage was the only decent thing this man could do. But patience, affection, tenacity, and humor built the foundation.
About humor: guys want somebody independent enough to not just laugh at his jokes but be bold enough to be funny too. And that's a big step.To be comfortable with yourself is truly an irresistible ingredient to men. Nothing relaxes someone like someone who's relaxed in their own skin.
Anyway, enough for now... Good luck, and good lovin!
I would say the primary thought most women have as they start seeing a guy is: what's the chance of a relationship, and what's it require to lure the sucker into it?
I have to say that more than anything, Patience and Tenacity are the cornerstones, followed by attractiveness, INDEPENDENCE, humor, affection, and killer sex. (I also believe that most of these are equally required on the male side of the equation)
The important thing to see first is that the one thing guys have no real desire for IS a relationship. They'd hang out with you forever, drink beer, talk a little, drink coffee, have sex, drink more beer, talk a little more, have more sex and be quite happy about the state of affairs as they are. There's no imperative to require a guy to need a relationship. Children are not a ticking timebomb, so why would they need the correlative relationship/marriage?
So the point is this: how do you get a guy to WANT to be in a relationship with you?
The answer is interesting. What you have to do is to establish a situation where you create more value in yourself than he can exist without. I'll give a couple of outrageous but very true examples I've garnered from friends. Both of these guys were in bands, were above average in looks and had a great deal of women at their disposal so they weren't loser types. Guy 1 began to date this girl and found they had a lot they had in common and enjoyed about each other and blah blah blah, but he wasn't very serious about a relationship. One day after she explained to him that she was still dating, he found out she was in fact, banging 3 or 4 other very eligible successful men at the same time(this was in the 80's pre-AIDS). This was such an incredibly poignant, excruciatingly tantalizing expression of her attractiveness to him that he could not rest until he won her.
She had created a value to him that he couldn't live without. This is an example of a VERY independent woman who had independence and killer sex all neatly wrapped up in one. Independence is a quality men very much admire. Now imagine this woman sitting at home waiting for guy 1 to call back, pining away...sounding needy, and pathetic. She would have had ZERO value. WHY WOULD A GUY CONTINUE CHASING SOMETHING HE KNOWS HE ALREADY HAS??Instead she grabbed the bull by the horns and tho this behavior would probably scare most guys away fast, her independence to my friend was intoxicating.
Guy 2, after being in a "R" for 6 or 7 years was given the ultimatum by his beautiful girlfriend. After he pooh poohed her and blew her off, she returned the favor with 3 or 4 guys in quick succession and let him find out. There was a flurry of trips to Ireland and Blarney Stones and Hidden Rings and Diamonds Gleaming before you could blurt out "seriously bruised ego". Again, not my cup of tea, but goddamned effective!!
Again, no moping little lass wiping her tears. Independence is CRITICAL.
(I just want to say I recommend behavior on a less dramatic scale - most guys wouldn't be able to handle it. But again, whatever works)
Now this guy was not a wuss - he had spent enough time in the relationship to have had enough sense to move on and in fact was being an ass. This leads to the next concept: Men's perception of themselves.
Men have one mandatory obligation in the world of dating - AVOID BEING A WUSS. This more than anything requires a man to hold back on what he wants to express, what he feels, and what he would really like to do. By failing in just one regard, all can be lost! You girls are tough. By appearing too eager, too loving, too couple oriented, a guy will get tossed right off the side of the earth. So men have invented a scheme which causes them to take VERY careful, laborious steps in approaching commitment. Case in point: a young man I know of just asked a lovely young lady to go to his company Christmas party THE DAY BEFORE THE FREAKIN PARTY! It was the fear of appearing too much like a wussy that kept his hand from the phone last week when it would have been appropriate (in women's standards. From a man's point of view: hey at least he called). He probably doesn't even know it was fear - dumb ass kid! LOL But this is where the notion of patience comes in. If you are going to demand that a man be a man, you have to have the patience to allow him to take the time it requires to not appear over eager. YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND, ETC, ETC....
Very important point above! Its a catch 22. If you hurry him, he becomes a wuss, if you don't he becomes a bastard. BALANCE! Just have fun. Let the relationship grow on its own at first. PATIENCE
By the way - if a guy has just come out of a relationship and states that he needs time to sort out his life BELIEVE HIM!!!! Unless you want him to make the same mistakes he made in the last "R" again, but with you, let him go. A sensible guy will try to sort out his bad shit so it wont happen again.
Now, tenacity. If you've found someone who gets you hot and he's not a "serious player" (a complete waste of time) and you feel he has true, redeeming social value, then the value I have seen over and over which finally corners guys is tenacity.
I had been divorced for 17 years and had been with uncountable amounts of women but was finally felled by the tenacity of my wife. And OH MY GOD, did I take my time!! I was not going to be put in a position of appearing needy, etc. In fact, as our relationship continued, I determined to myself at certain times that I had allowed sufficient torment and abuse to have occurred to now not appear like a puss and consequently could allow myself to propose. After more years (1.5) of anguish and suffering marriage was the only decent thing this man could do. But patience, affection, tenacity, and humor built the foundation.
About humor: guys want somebody independent enough to not just laugh at his jokes but be bold enough to be funny too. And that's a big step.To be comfortable with yourself is truly an irresistible ingredient to men. Nothing relaxes someone like someone who's relaxed in their own skin.
Anyway, enough for now... Good luck, and good lovin!
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As poisitively infuriating as some of the points you made are - they sound right on! The tension between tenacity and patience is enough to cause many of us to snap - kudos to your wife for having the emotional balance to hang in there! BUT why? Why do we really have to play the games? Or is it game-playing? When you're comfortable with yourself, is it really possible to just be - and to let the person who's caught your attention to just be as well - like that old Doris Day song (ouch - I am old!) C'ai sera sera (did I spell that even remotely right?!)... does it have to be binary - on/off, yes/no - or is it possible to have it be less linear, more random points-in-time... haven't gotten there yet so I don't have the answer - do you?
# posted by 
: 11:22 AM
: 11:22 AM
I'd say it depends on the type of relationship you want. If you are willing to accept somebody who is needy and insecure you'll get one type of relationship - pick someone independent and strong and you get that relationship. It all has to do with where you are in your own relationship with yourself - if you choose someone comparable with where you are personally, and you're both reasonably balanced emotionally, then I believe there is a chance to go beyond game playing. Its the relationships where people strive to compensate for holes in their own emotional mantle that problems develop. And the hardest thing is to see that the prey and the predator are both in the same matrix feeding off each other - back and forth.
Doris WHOOO???
Doris WHOOO???
I find this post very interesting for a number of reasons boo. The very first thing that jumps out at me is the idea that women are "looking" for relationships. Now, I can only speak for myself when I say that has NEVER been the case in my own life. Believe it or not...women can be just as hesitant, just as unwilling, dare I say FEARFUL??? to get into a relationship as any man out there. We (myself/women in general) can be just as happy as a man with the "hanging out, drinking beer and coffee, talking, having sex and more sex" without the total RELATIONSHIP. That, in and of itself IS a relationship of sorts and it is mighty comfortable to many women. It works for us too! Really!!! To TRY to get a guy to WANT a relationship is beyond me. Both parties either do or they don't want it. Anything beyond that is contrived and scheming in my mind (and I think, something that would ultimately backfire on the schemer whether man or woman)
This notion of "creating more value than he can exist without" also sounds contrived and even manipulative. The way I see it is this...A man (or woman) either senses that intangible something in another person or not. That "value" that he can't live without is present naturally and therefore recognized by the man (or woman). That recognition and desire of that naturally occuring value is the essential "essence" of what facilitates a relationship. That essence is built upon, and the relationship grows from there. The example that you gave in your post about the man that "realized" the woman's attractivness after he found out about her sleeping with some other men makes me feel like that man was UTTERLY undeserving of that particular woman. He couldn't see see that attractivenss on his own?? He had to have some other men validate it for him?? I certainly hope she moved on and left him eating her dust!! (Sorry, but I just had to get that off my chest!)
As far as patience and tenacity...Patience has never been one of my stronger character traits so I can't speak very well to that. But I can see your point that it may very well be required at certain times and in certain situations. Tenacity is a different thing however. That could be my middle name!! LOL But in the scope of facilitating a relationship...I'm not sure that I would display that particular trait. I think that the patience and tenacity would come in AFTER the relationship has sprouted and is beginning to grow. Then the patience and tenacity (on the part of both man and woman) is what would allow the relationship to grow to it's fullest potential.
Let me end this comment with what you wrote in the beginning of your post...Independence, humor, affection, and killer sex being the cornerstones of a potential and/or realized relationship...I couldn't agree with you more!!! Every single one of those elements is critical!!! At least for me they are! Attractiveness?? That is so subjective. What makes a person attractive? If we are speaking of physical looks...well, we all know what we like, right? But if we are speaking of what makes a person REALLY attractive...we would be right back to those intangible things that "create the value that can't be lived without"
Love ya!!
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This notion of "creating more value than he can exist without" also sounds contrived and even manipulative. The way I see it is this...A man (or woman) either senses that intangible something in another person or not. That "value" that he can't live without is present naturally and therefore recognized by the man (or woman). That recognition and desire of that naturally occuring value is the essential "essence" of what facilitates a relationship. That essence is built upon, and the relationship grows from there. The example that you gave in your post about the man that "realized" the woman's attractivness after he found out about her sleeping with some other men makes me feel like that man was UTTERLY undeserving of that particular woman. He couldn't see see that attractivenss on his own?? He had to have some other men validate it for him?? I certainly hope she moved on and left him eating her dust!! (Sorry, but I just had to get that off my chest!)
As far as patience and tenacity...Patience has never been one of my stronger character traits so I can't speak very well to that. But I can see your point that it may very well be required at certain times and in certain situations. Tenacity is a different thing however. That could be my middle name!! LOL But in the scope of facilitating a relationship...I'm not sure that I would display that particular trait. I think that the patience and tenacity would come in AFTER the relationship has sprouted and is beginning to grow. Then the patience and tenacity (on the part of both man and woman) is what would allow the relationship to grow to it's fullest potential.
Let me end this comment with what you wrote in the beginning of your post...Independence, humor, affection, and killer sex being the cornerstones of a potential and/or realized relationship...I couldn't agree with you more!!! Every single one of those elements is critical!!! At least for me they are! Attractiveness?? That is so subjective. What makes a person attractive? If we are speaking of physical looks...well, we all know what we like, right? But if we are speaking of what makes a person REALLY attractive...we would be right back to those intangible things that "create the value that can't be lived without"
Love ya!!
# posted by : 11:10 AM
: 11:10 AM<< Home
